Saturday, 14 April 2018

Changed priorities

One of the first few fitness places I went to had an instructor who was kinda well , how do I say .....pretty cruel .
She used to take guerilla candid shots of all the attendees in her class , at their worst in the world angles , showing the whole world their most horrifying assets which should not even see the daylight , 
like the widest buttocks and the largest stomach , the most cringeworthy downright embarassing bra shot , might I add , most time s without permission , while she on the other hand , took lovely , sweet smiling selfies of herself in Beauty Shot or soft tone .

In all honesty , her method was humiliating . It was all fun to her and probably meant nothing to her , but her following dwindled and she put the blame on a lot of factors .

I saw the picture she posted up of me a few months into her class . I almost cried I tell you . That method alone can be the single most demotivating turn off factor for a good majority of folks with body issues .

But then I told myself 
" you can laugh at me now but just you wait and see " and as you can see , that cruel method of hers , was something I turned to motivate me on my journey . It still bugs me till today . It does but there is no point in confronting her since she will likely be on the defensive or tell us how it worked in our favour when we know how it was her form of entertainment just to make herself feel better about her lacklustre life .

I had to believe that I could do it . 
And I did .

However , now , I find that my priorities have changed .
I'm beginning to find fault with my body by pointing out this lump and that . Getting stressed out at my reflection despite having achieved my initial goal ,
which was to loose weight and get smaller .

Frankly , I'm worried . Worried if I will go overboard , worried if I will push my body too much .

How does one get past this stage ? Probably never . It's not very healthy let me add , by the time you arrive at this stage . 

I did not start out wanting perfection but now I seem to want to go for it . I want to iron out those lumps which I know I shouldn't be fretting over but now , deep down inside me I want it to happen when it will not do my body any good due to my age . It's not so bad if I was in my 20s , the body has a faster recovery rate . Right now , if I do this , if I go down this path , it will exact a heavy toll on me and weaken my frame 20 years more down the road should I ever live that long . Cos I knew one lady whose entire bowels fell out at the age of 70 ( she played tennis ) , all because she thought that she could push herself despite her advanced age , just to keep healthy .

This is awful . It's not progress . Weight loss can lead to a digression of the mental state of mind especially when you get greedy and want more results !

You can argue that it's not like I'm striving for a gold medal or the Olympics , but I know that if I push myself further , it will take a toll on my body and is it that fit to cope with the unnecessary stress then ?

It's a dilemma I have to contend with now . Between wanting more and holding back . Between taking a rest and just itching to workout again . 

Meanwhile , I'll try my level best not to overdo things for now . And I hope I keep to this resolve . Cos age is a factor we have to consider and I cannot risk an injury all because of some love handles .

You can start ( in my case 20 years late ) but you will never finish satisfied . There will always , always , always be some part of you that will cause you unhappiness ....and you know , this is how aneroxia or bullimia sets in . 

Keeping yourself in denial , puts you in those danger zones . I have to keep that in mind and stop myself from going overboard . Cos I still want to have an upright frame with my bowels intact should I ever live another 20 more !
Not everything should be based on how to get rid of every single inch of fat , a fitness regimen should be kept moderate with a head firmly attached between the shoulders .

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